"She murmurs faint endearments, promising him her love, her fidelity, her always. She isn't lying; in that instant, she means every word she says, with no concept of after or later."

- True All the Same

A came to buy a cake today. We made brief eye contact but neither of us said hello. Luckily I was serving another customer at the time, so I then avoided eye contact, either to avoid the awkward, "Oh, its you!" conversation, or out of shame/ embarassment, I don't really know. A mixture of both, I guess. I mean, the awkward conversation should be avoided because after the initial "Oh, it's you!" exclamation, I already know I would have run out of things to say. As for feeling embarassed, it relates to the awkward conversation because it did take me a few seconds to recognize A. And also because back in high school, we stopped talking in the first place because of.... what exactly? So what could we have talked/ reminisced about? 

There was something. But then again, in grade 10, what does that "something" really take a form of? A messaging me every single time I went on msn (As a 16 year old, that meant the world to me). Us "holding" hands whenever we talk. A's deflated face when he found out I wasn't going on some of the same class trips as him. A eating lunch with me (just us two). A walking across with me just to get cookies. Seeing A still at school after choir. A asking me to sing for him. Then... it just stopped. Whether one of us lost interest, or life just got too busy, whatever happened can never really be figured out. I guess I knew why I stopped talking to A, and maybe feel slightly guilty for not keeping contact with A. I hear of how A has worked in Japan and how I pale so much in comparison.

Actually, that's probably the root of the problem. So forgive me, A, for not saying hello. I really do wonder how you are doing. 

終於可以在今天劃上句點 一整夜 翻閱過去畫面
快想不起我們為何會訣別

走一步又一步 我才發現繞了個圈
走了好幾年 又回到原點

你送的禮物 會不會太特別
毫不避諱 那不安的傳言
但漸行漸遠 習慣到沒感覺
難道你早想要我走遠

一個人變成兩個人是緣份，兩個人變成一個人是命運。

Last night while eating pizza, T came to this conclusion: I must come from a long line of veggie eaters because my teeth are so perfectly straight and flat.

His argument: meat eaters have pointier teeth to tear the meat apart. Their canine teeth are especially pointy, but mine are flat and smooth almost like a rectangle. It must be because my family has accustomed to eating veggies more than meat, so I have acquired the gene for flatter teeth.

I refuted his claims by saying that my straight and flat teeth is a result of my constant rabid teeth-grinding (especially at night during my sleep). He then said that no matter how much I grind my teeth, I cannot possibly grind my canine teeth into its present form. So it must be my veggie eating ancestry.

This is worth nothing because T isn't very science-y and he didn't take higher level science courses in high school either. Although I haven't the slightest clue if his theory is correct, I admire how logical his deductions were and how eloquently he framed his argument.

But I still don't know what to make of this... 0.0 

I always wondered what made my parents the way they are today, what turning point in their life made them so "adult". When I was young, I always thought that I would eventually hit that turning point. When I was young, I thought that people my age now were "adults" and that they would have hit that turning point already. I also realise that I am that age now, but I am still as childish as ever. In my mind, the dichotomy between adult and child is a very distinct line: children laugh all the time while adults are very composed. Children don't think about the consequences and expect everything to be handed to them. Children don't know anything while expecting their parents to know the answers to everything. I know I still expect my parents to know everything. So in my mind, something must have happened to my parents to make them the way they are now. I spent a large portion of my child waiting for my "adultness" to start working.

But it's not just one thing. It's a gradual process. I can't believe we're graduating in 6 months, but my maturing process is so slow. In 6 months time, I will have no more excuse to act like a child. In 6 months time (or sooner), I will actually have to look for an actual job and not expect my schooling to be an excuse to not go to work anymore. In 6 months time, I will be expected to be an adult. That is an insanely short amount of time. But I am frustrated. Why do I still act so immature? Even at work now, I'm still being treated like a child. Granted, my aura may be very naive and young and whatnot, but why must I be so immature? The way I talk is so... kiddy. Sometimes I still skip when I walk, what's wrong with me? 

I like being protected and cherished, but I also want to be taken seriously. That is no one's fault but mine. I have still so much to learn.